So next time
you see one of those high paid political pundits on a current affairs programme
giving their opinion, just ignore them. Here’s the real deal!
$inn Fein
$inn Fein – translated as ourselves alone, and they truly are! If ever there was a more apt political party name with the exception of the raving monster loony party then I have yet to find it. A more self serving jobs for the boys, do as we say not as we do narcissistic bunch of fuckers you will never find.
The sad thing is that $inn Fein are a well oiled machine that the other parties could learn from in terms of lies, mass manipulation and propaganda, but then again so was the Nazi party.
$inn Fein are fine exponents of the Good Friday Agreement when the notion takes them and are adept at playing the victim card, except when the victims are as a result of their cohorts actions.
Not to be confused with $inn Fein in the South of Ireland because despite their claims to be an all Ireland party they have policies in the six counties that they don’t have in the free state. In the six counties they promote cuts to services and austerity, but in the free state they condemn the Government for it.
And just don’t mention abortion, or anything to do with child abuse cover up’s, protecting child abusers or that their leader had his speeches written and vetted by the British Government. Gerry was never in the Provies, Martin left in 74 and Gerry helped compose Monty Python's 'Always look on the bright side of life'. God help them if they ever get the international truth commission they've been calling for, because if the truth was a dog and it bit them on the arse they wouldn't know it!
The Alliance Party
The Alliance Party – With whom or what this bunch of clowns are in an Alliance with is beyond me. Helmed by one of the scariest looking men in politics. If you look up the meaning of Alliance you get
Alliance
əˈlʌɪəns/
noun: A union or association formed for mutual benefit, especially between countries or organizations.
Needless to say I’m still none the wiser. There’s not a lot can be said about the Alliance Party, although their main man got the justice ministers position when elements in Stormont decided that as under D’hont it would have to go to the SDLP, they couldn't have that. So $inn Fein & the DUP decided to scrap that arrangement despite it being agreed under the Good Friday Agreement. Alliance showed their respect for the Good Friday Agreement, not by refusing the post, but by taking it hand over fist.
Not to be confused with Allianz, because they do insurance.
The Ulster Unionist Party
In fairness under Davy Trimble the UUP put a lot on the line to bring about the Good Friday Agreement, only to have to fight off the DUP, who despite condemning the GFA as the biggest sell out since Judas got his 30 pieces of Silver now implement it, with gusto when it suits them (see Alliance Party re D’hont & the Justice ministry.) But then again Davy was always in favour of an internal settlement.
Decimated with more splits than a troupe of travelling gymnasts the UUP are a shadow of their former selves, with the exception of Davy Trimble’s beard. Now headed by former tv presenter Mike Nesbitt ,the UUP are no longer the dogs bollox of Northern Iron politics, just one of the bollocks, and if another split happens could end up as a half bollock.
Not to be confused with Uup – Ununpentium, Ununpentium is the temporary name of a synthetic superheavy element in the periodic table that has the temporary symbol Uup and has the atomic number 115.
NI21
Born of a split with the UUP, NI21 are one of the more recent additions to the political scene here in Northern Iron. Their name is said to represent 21st Century Politics for Northern Iron. NI21 are a self styled non sectarian Unionist party.
What is interesting is you could infer that NI21 by claiming they are not sectarian are stating that the other Unionist parties are sectarian. Now considering the leaders of NI21 sat happily in the UUP ranks and only left when there was a merger with the DUP mooted their bona fides on being non sectarian must be questioned.
Another interesting thing about NI21 is that for a self proclaimed cross community party they designate themselves as unionist and not other. Although in fairness they do support gay marriage and have tried to move away from the usual perception of unionism.
If you meet Basil just don't ask does he want to judge a beauty pageant, but if you do be prepared for the Dup’s Arlene Foster to have her nose further out of joint.
Not to be confused with pepsi 21.
DUP
Ah the
Democratic Unionist Party, bastions of creationism, god fearing exponents of
the family unit. Democratic unless disagreeing with a democratic decision by
elected representatives or a legally binding decision by the Parades Commission, a la the fleg. Rabidly anti good friday agreement or any agreement until
they ousted the UUP as unionisms top dog and Paisley could live out his fantasy
to be the next Edward Carson, without the lederhosen or leather chaps!The DUP have never been able to separate their right wing Christian fundamentalist views from their political stance, from their 1977 Save Ulster from Sodomy campaign to Edwin Poots recent gay blood and adoption fiascos.
Just don’t mention the leaders wife who pontificated about the evils of homosexuality whilst having her biblical wicked way with a fella young enough to be her son along with this indiscretion, land deals, the theory of evolution and them associating with loyalist paramilitaries should also be avoided.
TUV
Unfortunately Jim can be off the beam a little, Jim recently criticised the BBC for not giving Maggie Thatcher the same coverage as Nelson Mandela, I’m sure even Jim could see the disparity between the two, Mandela is revered across the world, Thatcher was despised by even her own.
Jim is so hardcore he split from the DUP and Willie Frazer wants to be Jim when he grows up.
Despite Politics being full of tits the TUV should not be confused with TUV Rheinland who were involved with a dodgy breast implant scandal.
The Green Party
Sadly the Greens seem unwilling or unable to rock the boat, in a prime position to challenge the status quo and lead on environmental and human rights issues the greens are happy to play ball, with everyone.
If there was a party I could have an affinity for it would be the greens. Sadly they are as much use as an ashtray on motorbike who have their environmentally friendly arse cheeks wedged on both sides of a recycled fence.
If they ever do remove their arse from the fence I hope they get splinters, or a bad case of piles to teach them the price of being to Northern Iron politics what erectile dysfunction is to a happy sex life.
SDLP
The party has had three leaders since Hume stood down all three have been beyond useless. The recent scandal with Conall McDevitt, (the money was only resting in my wife’s account ) was partly offset by his speedy admission of wrongdoing and resignation, which with him being a politician had to be admired.
Other problems haunt the party, the fact that they all can’t stand each other being one and there are more fractures than the A&E dept in the Royal on the twelfth as a result of this. That they stand complete imbeciles for election being another, on the basis that they will jump when told to, shite when told to and will not rock the party boat.
But let’s not also forget their current leader looking for a payrise for MP’s when the rest of us are all shafted, let’s not forget that they voted in favour of people working for their benefits and let’s not forget that their Derry MP was out praising the bravery of the Parachute regiment and other British Army regiments in the far east, despite the Para’s being responsible for the massacres in Ballymurphy and on Bloody Sunday in Derry.
Now when it's spelled out like that is there any of those fuckers you would consider giving a vote to... naw me neither!
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